TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, MENTION OF SUICIDE

30.10.2016

What do I do with myself?? I can’t stay here forever but I don’t fit in outside of here. It’s like I’ve some dirty secret I’m hiding from everyone. I do want to die. Everything in my life feels like it’s been a pretence. What do I even like?? This has been going on for longer than I realised. I was dreaming of getting hurt just so I would get empathy, who does that? I still have thoughts of breaking my hand or some sort of psychical injury or smashing my head against a wall. Do I want to die? My head is saying Yes. But do I have the balls to go through with it? Right now I’m not sure. I wish I had the balls to do it. End all of this, I’m sick of not trusting myself or others looking at me as though I’m “special”. Everything I see relates back to depression, the Garda car yesterday and them calling them bastards and not knowing those “bastards” saved me from attempting suicide. I’d love to just not wake up tomorrow. The thought of surviving scares me the most. I’m also worried what happens when we die. Knowone knows but what if I get stuck in time and I’m in this hell forever. That thought scares me too. I feel I’m between a rock and a hard place. Not wanting to live but to scared to die. Everyone tells me I’m wasting my talents, how I’m so talented. I’d give anything to just be happy. Why do they always assume they know best. That’s just the JF they morphed. It’s not the true JF. Life is like a box of chocolates – some people have them all and some have eaten all the chocolates and is at the end of the box/life. What if it is gods plan to only give me X years?? Maybe all our paths are determined and we only think we control our destiny. No one controls their destiny because no one person can control 100% of all factors including how we die. If I commit suicide am I taking control or was it predetermined I would do this.

To be continued…