It’s been a while, I know. I have been very busy with so many things, good things which is nice. Although, I must admit it can sometimes be more difficult because you can be really suffering but experiencing some of the best times of your life. I appreciate all the support the website has received and everyone who has gotten in touch.

The post I am writing is something I have said to both my therapist, TK, and other individuals I have interacted within the DID hemisphere.

Over the past year I have begun to learn more and more about my past. Things I could never even think possible to happen to anyone, let alone a child. They come up in therapy and the alter/part does talk to TK about it. Often what is told is news to all of us. Reflecting on this, I know if I was to learn of these memories anywhere close to my diagnosis of DID or the beginning of the sharing of memories as TK said to me one day “You would not be here”. It’s funny hearing the confidence she says this with, but I also know it’s true. As time progresses I have learned to handle more traumatising memories. They do all affect me in different levels, yet if any of them were shown to me in the early days – I think TK is right that I would not be here. I know that is my DID system protecting us, and you might consider it a kind of cool mechanism, but it also scares the fuck out of me. I wonder what else could be found out. We started with 1 man, now we’ve graduated to 5, who knows whats next. People I never knew were involved in fact were part of it all. Even though I can handle things better it doesn’t mean it’s not still really shit. I know if I was to tell probably the least “tame” example to most people they would be horrified, and I forget this. I almost dismiss some of the “not so bad” stuff because there is worse. I think one of the hardest parts is we don’t know when we will reach the final level, although I’m not sure I can really be too surprised anymore. Doesn’t mean it won’t make me feel disgusted and want to rip my skin off to get away from the feelings, sensations and urges.

So yes the memories get worse but they don’t feel worse cause you can handle them better, doesn’t make it right it’s just how it is.

Also, for anyone who needs to hear it… it’s also shit! No one should have to deal with the consequences of such intentional and destructive actions of others, but unfortunately that’s what happens in life.

The only way forward is through, it’s also the only way to heal enough to try stop others from suffering and provide hope to others that we can overcome. If you are reading this with DID, well done you’ve overcome the shit and survived. Now we just have to deal with the consequences.

JF