TRIGGER WARNING: TALK OF SUICIDE AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. Proceed with caution.

Continuing from the previous post from the 6th of October 2016

17:32

I wonder if I just find a high building and jump off. Will I die? I could stop in Tesco get some pills down them listening to music then just jump. I’m not sure how I feel writing that I’m not sure if it’s guilt or unease or what is it. I could just write a suicide note to [redacted] in this, say nothing and go jump. Why live? Whats there to gain. I honestly don’t know. What experiences do I want to do. I think my biggest fear is getting caught and thats what stops me the most. The shame and embarrassment of being caught is a lot to bear. I could go out take out cash, get a taxi to the building and jump. Everyone pity the dead but right now I pity the living – the living in pain. I have never known love. I don’t know if I want to because I have just given up. Money doesn’t buy happiness love does.

18:36

I think I’ve given up. I know I go from high to low quickly and I still can’t reach out to the nurses without feeling embarrassed or guilty. I blame [redacted] for that but also feel guilty for blaming her. It hits me hard when I think that she’s no idea whats going on. I’ve always done my best to please her but the first time I go against her she turns on me. Maybe this is all my fault and I’m just better off being out of everyones lives forever. Nothing is ever going to be normal again. But then again what is normal. Who knows? Maybe I’ve let this all get out of hand. I still think maybe I’m just pretending and I’ve just made a fool of myself. What if I never beat this. Even if I did it will always be a big part of my life. I can never take back the fact I want to end my life. If only I could get hit by a bus. That would just make everything easier. I could just go out on to the road outside wait for a fast car and hope it does its job. At least then it’s a tragic accident. If I jump off the building all of a sudden the spotlight is on [redacted]s world. Everything I do annoys me when it reminds of how similar I am to her. She’s broken my heart so much and now I feel I am turning into her. I’m constantly thinking people are watching me but moreso judging me. Its so frustrating.

18:54

I’m so self conscious with everything I do. I constantly critise myself for even minute details. I’ve learned to do this so [redacted] critiques me less or maybe so she approves of how I judge others. I look down on people automatically but I don’t want to. Why is it so hard to change. People say you can’t change someone and if thats true I don’t want to live as someone I hate. People always say I’m definitely [redacted] from the way I act and talk. I used to beam with pride everything was a competition to be better than everyone else. They want image above everything else. She did always give us everything but it was everything she wanted. She was living through me. [redacted] was the by-product. Once one of us was successful who cares about the other. Even now sitting writing my mind thinks who’s watching me – moreso who’s laughing at me. What did I do to deserve this – I’ve had to be strong for too long. I need someone to just hold me together for a change. I really just don’t have the energy to continue. I wish she had shown me love. I really am truely jealous of other people getting empathy. I think I’ve been suffering for a really long time. Since we moved at least. I never felt like I fitted in, always the odd one out.

To be continued…