TRIGGER WARNING: TALK OF SUICIDE AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. Proceed with caution.

Continuing from the post 1, and post 2 from the 6th of October 2016

18:54

If I still lived in [redacted] would this have happened? I’ll never know I feel awkward or embarrassed for anyone who is injured as though they are beneath me. People shouldn’t show weakness. You must be strong at all costs. No wonder all through school I used to always hope I hurt myself somehow so I could get some sort of empathy off people. But then again it would eat away at me for allowing myself to get injured. I always wonder if people are wondering about me, hoping someone cares. But at the same time I wouldn’t be able to admit the defeat. The one thing I have from this is the inability to fail because it’s like he’s won. They say this all happened cause one thing went wrong and I wasn’t able to cope. I keep thinking they’re right and I’ve failed. I keep remembering the playstation game and the feeling I got when I failed. I think it’s anxiety and I just don’t want to be given out to. I can’t forget the fear of telling about something bad which happened, I never dared to cross them for the fear. Maybe I’m just crazy like [redacted] is saying. Who lives in fear of those closest to them. But [redacted] knows it too. He just didn’t have as much pressure. I really wish I was the invisible child. I more wish I was never born. I keep thinking back to medication. Why do we take it. If whatever controls wanted us to die in the end why did we evolve to delay the inevitable. I do think when I’m in this hospital that I don’t belong. Do I need to accept this before I’ll get better. Do I need to tell them. Do I want them to know. They’ve cause all this and I just can’t see them listening. Maybe I should just get a taxi down to the tall building. What is the point of a life like this? I’m now one of those “crazy” people [redacted] would call. He called that murder-suicide done by someone who’s crazy. I wish I could just run away. Why am I so embarrassed to say I’m sick and accept some sort of help. I just feel that I’ve been an idiot and I should have known without asking. You should never ask for help and be ashamed to pay someone else to do it. Feeling guilty about paying someone for changing a car lightbulb. It sounds so stupid. People I’ve known only about a week can understand it but none of it gives me comfort. Even in here I still put on a front while in my mind I’m thinking of horrendous things – sticking a sharp pencil in my eye, chocking myself with my headphones or sticking a fork in a plug. There is nothing normal about that. I think I just want to hurt myself so I can feel some emotion from people but I’m conflicted with the guilt of being injured. I walked by a girl on crutches and a boy with a sling and I felt awkward I’m not sure the exact reason why I think part of it is learned from my family. They have never been sick whatsoever requiring hospital etc but I think it’s because they don’t do anything. They just waste their lives away watching the same tv programmes week in week out. How is that a life but then again I suppose it’s their choice to do that. I think they do it out of fear. Fear of failing. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything for me. Who even am I. I DONT KNOW. It’s like starting again but not with a clean slate because I’m still affected by them by guilt, fear and learned behaviour. People are always thinking long term but if you don’t make it then its a waste of time. I think I always kept my self busy doing it subconsciously so I didn’t have time to think and realise how unhappy I was. Every memory I think back on is tainted somehow now when I think of it. It’s as if a light has been switched on to what was really happening. My thoughts have gone back to jumping off the building. I’d say I’d have a good hour before I’d have to worry about them missing me. I’m just so confused [btw all notes are in my car if I don’t write fresh ones, also their new clothes in a next bag for [redacted]] Theres a train due in 53 minutes. But, I could just get a taxi. Can do a detour to Tesco get some Panadol or Paracetamol and a drink. I’m 50:50 tempted to do it. I’m embarrassed I feel this way. I think I always knew something was amiss with me. Not sure exactly what it was but maybe I’m not cut out for this world. I’m more worried that if it doesn’t succeed that I’ll have to face everyone. The thought of that kills me, which ironically is stopping me. I think I want to do it.

7th October 2016 to follow…